How to Ingratiate Yourself at Sea

For starters, if a Captain has been kind enough to thoroughly document previous trips in a blog, reading it in advance will reveal many clues to help orient yourself. But don't just look at the pictures and pretend you read it, because that will become evident later when you least need it.

It is important to be aware that every boat is a culture unto itself. If you are coming aboard for the first time, you might liken the experience to transferring to a new school mid semester. Sailors can be like high school girls, cliquey and cruel. And as every high school student knows, don't be a teacher's pet. You may make one friend but everyone else will hate you. So don't kiss the Captain's ass — it is a losing gambit. Win over the lowest crew member first and work your way up the chain of command.

Regarding chain of command, make sure you know who's who. Perhaps the worst mistake you can make is disrespecting a Captain emeritus. It throws the whole boat in disarray. It may cause said ex-captain to feel the need to display his sailing superiority, which may come at an inopportune time, such as jibing in 30 kt winds and 10 ft seas, which may lead to conflict and inspire the wrath of not one but two very important people on board.

Therefore, it is advised not to engage a Captain emeritus in a conversation on his favorite subject in the world, in this case catamarans, unless you plan on being agreeable. His position on the matter is well documented in the blog, and he generally lets his opinion on the matter be known within minutes of meeting him. If you've had a disagreeable conversation about catamarans with said ex-captain, you are likely done for, unless you know him very very well, and then only if you are prepared to make grand gestures of respect, such as putting Two Girls, Two Catamarans on his bunk for passage reading. But even then, I'd limit yourself to one controversial topic per passage. It is absolutely ill-advised to pick another fight about the thickness of skis, just because you say you are a world class skier, now that it has become evident you are not a world class sailor.

And would it have killed you to ask our world class ex-captain about his varied and storied exploits at sea? No, it seemed like a better idea to share your incredible story of having paid $2500 for a passage at sea as a passenger with the world renowned Brad Van Liew aboard his racing yacht, which included two Brad Van Liew autographs and a certified Brad Van Liew sailor patch. No doubt your experience with Brad was your model for an offshore adventure — do what you want and hit the sack as necessary even if it means leaving your crewmate on deck alone because there must be a half dozen paid winch monkeys around here someplace to mop up.

But regardless, much can be forgiven at sea, because we are all in this together, right? So if you need to sweat all over the sheets on my back up bunk, go right ahead, I'll sleep on the cabin floor, its cooler down here anyway. And let's all take the Captain's special seasickness medication because it'll be safer that way, except you, because you never get sick at sea, except you've never been in seas like this, and what's that? You don't feel so hot and haven't moved in 6 hours? But no, I agree, its not seasickness since you don't get seasick, it must have been something you ate.

So its shift change at 3am and you've heard its a great move to make the incoming crew a hot brew of coffee. You've said you're a real coffee buff and you have a Starbucks frequent flyer card to prove it, and now is your big chance to show everyone what you can do. You make the Captain a cup of coffee and he wants to appreciate it but you intentionally leave out his shift mate, your interlocutor, said ex-captain. Oh dear. I'll cover for you this time because we can't have blood on deck so early in the passage and with so much wind. So I'll sneakily pour half of it into another mug and announce your unintended gesture to my crew mate.

Hey, since you're not doing anything else constructive, how about you make dinner tonight? It'll be surf and turf of hanger and Mahi steaks. Oh, just look at that well healed steak for the Captain, an inch thick, 2 inches wide, what a cut! But the poor ex-captain, he must not be hungry, because all he got was a rind of fish skin with a little meat attached. Oh dear. No hiding it this time.

It can be eerie swimming underway because the boat never entirely stops and it crosses one's mind if the crew won't abandon you. Oh Captain, my Captain, I heard you want to go swimming at sea, I got my trunks on, just the two of us, let's go, let's go! I know just what to do, I'll jump off the back of a moving boat and then freak out when I can't quite catch up. Is that the ex-captain at the helm? Which way is he turning? Mother!!!!!!